Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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