Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
you didnt know i had herpes?
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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