wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
