One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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