remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I think I sprained my soul last night
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
And then my night got REAL pukey
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
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