hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
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