Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
