Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Randomize
