You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
pray to the hookup gods
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Randomize
