You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
