Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
