i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
