PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
