we're chasing vodka with high fives
are you so shy because you have an std?
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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