dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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