i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
