Your face is a jimmy john
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
