This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
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