I just saw a hot homeless man
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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