If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
