I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
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