There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
