Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
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