I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
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