If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
