You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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