She is in my trunk
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
