"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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