dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
