I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
