i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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