I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
