So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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