my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
