Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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