How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
