I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
