I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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