the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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