the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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