That's when you crack a 10am beer
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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