no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
