8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
did i just pee glitter
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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