I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
