I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Randomize
