you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
