my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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