took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
