I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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