"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
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