I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
