Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
