I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
i came on her dog
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
