Michael Bay diarrhea
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
