I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
