Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
