So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
