I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
