I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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