Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
