My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
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