in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
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